Memorable moments in emailing

Okay, so here's a recent MINT chain of email correspondence, relating to the close of one particular lunch hour last week:

Gentlemen,

As always, I found my dining experience with you to be most enjoyable, albeit precarious thanks to the constant threat of choking from laughter. The swift and unacknowledged dislocation of you from my presence was found to be most distressing, and it is with concerns for unabated tranquility that I humbly submit, for your consideration, a plea for your submission to those time-honored pleasantries that accompany the parting of friends.

I remain, as always, yours in affection,

Melanie

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Fair Lady,

This situation is indeed most grievous. Please accept my deepest, most sincere apologies for our sudden and hasty departure. The threat of succumbing to an assault of virulent TB forcefully ejected age-old pleasantries from my usually chivalrous mind. I will strive to be increasingly mindful of the required departure rituals expected by you and yours.

Yours, in face punching and teeth kicking,

Ian

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Dear Lady,

I findeth thee-eth non-understanable-eth, make me some food-eth that I may concurrently ergo the vis-a-vis your laconic message is rancorious though it seems to be very verisimilitude. I will proceed to venerate your vocabulary that Voilà! In view, a humble vaudevillian veteran, cast vicariously as both victim and villain by the vicissitudes of Fate. This visage, no mere veneer of vanity, is a vestige of the vox populi, now vacant, vanished. However, this valorous visitation of a by-gone vexation, stands vivified, and has vowed to vanquish these venal and virulent vermin van-guarding vice and vouchsafing the violently vicious and voracious violation of volition as security. The only verdict is vengeance; a vendetta, held as a votive, not in vain, for the value and veracity of such shall one day vindicate the vigilant and the virtuous. Verily, this vichyssoise of verbiage veers most verbose, so let me simply say goodbye. So I bid you adieu, and thank thee for this verbal renaissance.

England Prevails
Freedom Forever
Certainly there are those who are more responsible than others, and they will be held accountable
With Loving Baha'i Greetings

Justin